Dear Betty,
Should I move in with my boyfriend?
Knowing your relationship goals is key to determining if this is a good move for you or not. Do you want a long term committed relationship, marriage, or a casual relationship? Let’s look at the pros and cons – both practical and emotional.
Cohabiting pros:
- Living together can be a way to check compatibility and a stepping stone to potential matrimony. For many people, being close and committed without the obligations of marriage is just right.
- When it comes to money, the obvious benefit to moving in together is to save on regular expenses like rent and utility bills. You also avoid the financial entanglements of marriage that many see as being scary, especially in the case of a break up. Other than that, there are no specific benefits as it is the legality of the marriage contract that brings with it the specific tax, insurance, retirement, and other potential financial pros.
Cohabiting cons:
- As a free agent – i.e. someone in a non-married relationship – you have no guarantees. Of course there are no guarantees period when it comes to the question, “Will it last?” But without the legal paper in your filing cabinet that states you are a married person with the obligations and responsibilities that go along with that, only you can decide how secure you are. One word of caution, though, if there are children. In a (God forbid) acrimonious split, protecting the child’s future can be difficult if you are not married. There have been many cases, some rather infamous, of paternity tests being done and various parties not wanting to meet parental obligations…. Outside of marriage there is more risk of that happening.
- A word of caution about finances in cohabiting. Signing leases together, co-signing for loans, or making major purchases can be messy in a break-up because there are no clear laws stating who gets what. Consider creating an agreement with legal counsel that both parties sign before moving in together.
In closing….
Some of the overall benefits of being in a committed relationship are, at this point, well documented. What they show is that there is greater health, longevity, and overall life satisfaction. Specifically, as we age, we are less likely to develop dementia, heart disease, cancer, and many other ailments if we are coupled.
Only you can be responsible for your happiness, though. In your relationship, what are your expectations? What have you both agreed to? How secure do you feel? Security can vary widely among couples depending on history, temperament, and attachment. Check in with yourself and know your relationship goals.
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