You may be one of many who grew up thinking that everyone has a soul mate out there and that a combination of chance and magic will (or won’t) bring together the people who are “meant to be.” Or, you may simply believe that it’s all a crap-shoot and when people find “good” matches, it’s a plain old miracle. Honestly I don’t believe either is the case. People end up together for lots of reasons and, in fact, much of it really is in our control—or certainly very much susceptible to our intentions and influence.
Just as we co-create our relationships with our partners, we attract one another with a similar “creative” impulse. It can be unconscious—or conscious. Why not make this process a conscious one so that you guide it, instead of the other way around?
Attracting your ideal match and co-creating your ideal relationship requires
- recognition of opportunities
- action that supports your goals
Focus on You
Parts of the laws of attraction means that we draw events, experiences and people that fulfill our vision of “what life is like” to us. Another way to look at it is that everything vibrates at a particular frequency. Frequencies attract. If you vibrate at a low frequency—negative about yourself or where you are in your life—you are likely to attract others vibrating at that frequency. If life “sucks,” your experiences will back you up on that. You will attract people who also believe life “sucks” or who will simply confirm your belief. If you “know” men cheat, low and behold, you end up with a swindler. If you “know” that women are emotionally unstable, you inexplicably find yourself with a string of unhinged women. Weird? Not really.
So lesson one: focus on being type of person you want to attract, and transform your vision of the world from the perspective of “things happen to me” to that of “I make things happen.”
Easy for me to say, right? I know for sure that there can be a lot of work that goes into those simply stated transformations. But please be good to yourself by focusing on you, your growth, mental and emotional health, sense of well-being, security, hopefulness, confidence, independence, openness… whatever it is for you. Once you are securely on that path, you will find the attraction of your ideal mate… may just happen!
Drop the Baggage
To attract your ideal match there needs to be enough room for him or her. Unless you are under the age of 8, you have a history. That history is probably rich with experiences both good and bad, but it’s the bad stuff that can get in the way in a new relationship. So work on creating a clear space for your ideal match by letting go of the things likely to hold you back. A previous partner may have ignored your wishes, but if you bring the resentment you felt then into a new relationship, it can really get in your way. If the last person you dated betrayed you, the fear of betrayal is natural, but can wreak havoc in a new relationship with a perfectly innocent new partner. Be aware of resentments, hurts and fears from previous relationships… and then let them go.
One annoying—and at times devastating—fact of life is that history tends to repeat itself. Until, that is, we get the better of it by reimagining the way we want things to be in the future (which I’ll talk about later). Start by looking at all the aspects of your relationship history. Really get analytical. Take out a piece of paper and write down the problems that continuously reared their heads. Doing this exercise will help you gain clarity about what worked, what didn’t work and what you want to do differently.
Another kind of pattern you might want to identify, change, or create is the pattern of your day-to-day life and how that jibes with the kind of person you want to attract. Where do you spend your time? If you want to attract a smart person who reads widely, you can make a habit of participating in a book club or going to readings and lectures. On the other hand, if being in a book club or going to book readings bores you, maybe you want to rethink your partner criteria. Or you can rethink your patterns. If you want to be active with a fit partner but you haven’t been to the gym in four months, readjust your schedule so your actions line up with your intentions and desires.
Create New Patterns
A lot of awareness goes into finding your match. Becoming aware of what you need and want in a relationship is vital so that you can recognize a potential partner who has the capacity to co-create the relationship you want. So, take out that pad of paper again and make your lists:
- What can you not live without in a relationship?
- What do you need to thrive?
- What do you need from a partner day to day?
Do you tend to see people for who you want them to be? For some non-specific “potential” that may or may not ever manifest? Or do your fears about who they might be block your field of vision? These patterns—in perception—play a huge role in relationship success.
If you understand the kind of person you want to attract, then you can adjust your own life patterns to both embody those qualities and attract those qualities to you. If you want someone who is confident, what are you doing in your life to feel confident about yourself? Making healthy decisions in your life and achieving goals will contribute to your level of confidence and happiness and attract someone who is also confident and happy.
Visualize Your Ideal Match
Visualization as a method for manifesting things in your life is far beyond the hypothetical stage. Nowadays, everyone from professional athletes to homicide detectives use visualization techniques to create outcomes. So why not use them to draw your ideal match to you? If you spend quality time visualizing the person you want to be with, that person will enter your life. Sure, he or she might have entered your life anyway, but you may not have been primed to recognize what was in front of you. By visualizing, you are changing two ships that pass in darkness on the open sea to something very different. Something more akin to a montage in a romantic movie when two lovers run towards each other in slow motion and end up in one another’s arms.
So sit down and close your eyes for a few minutes every day, just before you fall asleep at night. Breathe deeply and focus on the air going in and out of your lungs. As you imagine your ideal match, it’s less important how he or she looks, and more important to notice what you are doing together, words and gestures, and how you feel with him or her. Do this for as long as you like. You may want to write your thoughts/images on paper. Then just let go and see what manifests in your life.
Practice Effective Attitudes
Positive thinking attracts positive thinking. Not only is positivity an attractive feature to have, it creates an optimistic and confident energy around you. That energy attracts others in your life that are also attracted to positive thoughts and feelings. Your thoughts become your experiences. (The chain goes like this: thoughts create emotions which result in actions—because we act in accordance with our feelings—and those actions lead to the experiences we have in life.)
Some examples of positivity as you go about your life:
- Live in the present. And stop fretting about the past and worrying about the future. You don’t want to date a fretting worrier, so don’t be one.
- Love and accept yourself. If you do that, how loveable you really are becomes so much more apparent to everyone!
- Let go of the outcome. In the world of dating that means, focus on connections not results. Don’t see every date as an auditioning spouse, or as a disappointment-in-waiting.
- Be intentional and aware of your choices and actions. You are not a piece of flotsam in the stream of life. You are the pilot of your own ship.
- Take risks, and know you’re doing it. Find the exhilaration of life by overcoming fear and stepping outside your comfort zone.
- Let go of what others think. Once you do, you’ll be amazed at how they’ll be drawn to you.
- Live in abundance not scarcity. This connects to how you vibrate. Use belief and conviction about the abundance of life to attract abundance, and others who live in abundance. A scarcity mindset will draw to you the impecunious and fearful.
- Be assertive. Ask the universe for what you want. Ask the person you are dating for what you want. Ask and you shall receive. And always remember that giving and receiving are two sides of one coin.