This Isn't a Competition: How to Stop Keeping Score in Relationships

Mort was a scorekeeper. He kept track of the things, little and big, that he did for his wife, Andrea. He noticed if she did not notice when he did something wonderful, and he was painfully aware if she did or did not do something nice for him. He would adjust his actions towards her based on the current score. And he did this without realizing it. It turns out that he was afraid to be the one giving more, or loving more, or getting “shortchanged”—which is how he looked at it. It was sad, because he was married to a kind, generous, loving woman, and he turned their love into a competition.

Aimee kept score too. She had a steel-trap memory—for anything bad. Every fight she ever had with her live-in boyfriend, Matt, and every time he ever forgot that she liked whole milk, not half and half, in her coffee—whatever it was, she had it recorded in her mind. She brought out the scorecard when she needed to elucidate all the ways she’d been hurt or slighted. Matt began to dread those moments. He felt he could not win the cut-throat game his love affair had turned into.

Why do some people keep score in a relationship? They are not bad people. They do not mean to cause hurt. The tendency to keep score does not mean they do not feel love and devotion. Something inside them drives them to it. For whatever reason, right or wrong, they believe that the relationship is out of balance, and that they are giving more than the other person. This leads to the strings-attached mentality of Mort: “I won’t unload the groceries because yesterday you didn’t leave the porch light on for me.” Resentment is a quick byproduct—on both sides of the partnership. Or, like Aimee, tracking only the negatives and missing the positives, a scorekeeper can end up with a heavy burden of victimhood. What is missed, of course, is the joy of giving without condition or expectation. Love that asks nothing in return is love at its best, and when both partners can live in that place… joy!

As always, understanding what is going on is the first step to making positive changes. So let’s try to understand relationship score keepers:

Scorekeepers may:

✓ feel unappreciated or taken for granted. This can happen in a relationship as time goes on. We get “used to” each other. So whereas 3 years ago Joe might have kissed Sue and said, “You are too good to me,” every time she made him a nice meal, now he just sits down to eat. But sometimes people feel unappreciated because they don’t value themselves enough. Do we really need to receive credit every time we behave well, or fail to behave badly?

✓ be unempowered or feel victimized. It is much easier for someone to fall into the victim mentality when he or she does not feel empowered. Related to the above (feeling unappreciated), feeling like a victim in the relationship reinforces all kinds of imbalances that are not healthy and can lead to scorekeeping. Step back and ask yourself if you are a victim indeed or if you simply perceive reality through the victim lens. An example: Julie’s partner, Dave, forgets to unload the dishwasher. This act of forgetting is about Dave. He is forgetful. He is a jerk. He is selfish and entitled. Whatever the truth is about Dave, it is NOT ABOUT JULIE. She can either take his action personally and feel victimized, or she can figure out what is going on and address it, if necessary. If he is simply a forgetful guy who tries his best, maybe she’ll let the dishwasher moment slide off her back. If, in fact, it is a symptom that he is selfish or a jerk, that’s another conversation. Keeping score will not help, no matter what the story is.

✓ need to get even for past hurts or betrayal. If you or your partner has been deeply hurt in the relationship, by disloyalty, infidelity, dishonesty, the need to even the score may be at work behind the scenes, whether you are aware of it or not. The hurt party may begin holding back, keeping score, weighing and measuring every action and word. To heal this rift will take time. Perhaps the partner who did the initial hurting has not done enough yet to help secure the relationship again.

✓ have learned scorekeeping from parents and other role models. The power early relationship models have over us is profound. Unlearning those lessons is often necessary to have the relationship you want and deserve. So if you or your partner grew up thinking that keeping score was part of love—have a conversation and try to let go of those paradigms.

✓ require validation, recognition, or credit. Without external “proof” that they are okay, some people feel self-doubt, and possibly even resentment toward others who seem more secure. They are at risk of becoming scorekeepers. Working on an inner sense of self, confidence, and self-love will help this kind of scorekeeper feel valid and meaningful in the world without needing to be given credit by anyone else. (Don’t get me wrong—we all need to hear we are doing well now and then, from our bosses, friends, lovers—but if we don’t get that approval, we want to still be okay.)

✓ fall prey to unhealthy negative thinking. People caught in the cycle of negative thoughts become almost helpless in the face of them. If you or the person you love is trapped by negative thinking, you may become a scorekeeper in your relationship because you have trouble seeing the good for the bad. As I’ve written before, our thoughts create our emotions and beliefs, which inform all our actions. This cycle can change, because people can reframe their thoughts and beliefs. (For some more in-depth information about this read my blog about re-framing, The Art of Re-framing Your Beliefs)

✓ feel trapped in a power struggle or competition with the person they really just want to love. This is a sad state of affairs, but not uncommon. Ask yourself, what would happen if you gave up control in this relationship, or this situation? How would it feel to let go? Is it important that you feel like you are “winning” in your relationship? Do you want to feel that you hold more cards and thus feel secure? Does it scare you to love without any guarantees?

Any kind of relationship can be susceptible to score keeping—between and among friends, family, and co-workers, or in a romantic partnership. If scorekeeping is present, the balance of power is out of alignment—because there is one. Ideally, in a healthy relationship that is working, “who has power” is a non-issue.

There are consequences to keeping score in a relationship. It will:

→ erode trust and undermine the faith you and your partner have in one another and the relationship
→ turn your relationship into a competition and thus your partner into the enemy
→ make it hard, or even impossible, for you to see or appreciate your partner’s good qualities
→ lead, ultimately, to the failure of the relationship if action is not taken to make the necessary shifts

Can you stop being a scorekeeper? YES! Here’s how:

♥ Communicate. Tell your partner what you are feeling. If you are the scorekeeper, remember that what your partner does is about him/her, not you, so speak your truth without criticism or blame. If your partner is the scorekeeper, share what you have learned about this phenomenon and ask if you can work together to change the situation.
♥ Ask. Throw the scorecard away and simply ask for what you need. And return the favor by finding out what your partner needs from you.
♥ Acknowledge. What is your contribution to the dysfunction? Are you an enabler? Are your expectations unrealistic? Have you looked inward to see why you keep score (referring to the list above for help)?
♥ Work together. Rather than competing and acting in opposition, look for solutions together.
♥ See the good. What is great about your partner and your relationship? Focus on that. Re-framing negative thoughts can work miracles!
♥ Plan. In partnership, create a plan for making changes in the relationship. Ask to be seen and heard. If both of you have good intentions and want the other to be happy, no one will need to keep score. Set a date for checking in with each other to see how the plan is working.
♥ Be honest. Whether you or your partner is the scorekeeper, be honest with yourself. If one of you is unwilling to work for balance, is it in your best interest to continue the relationship?

In healthy relationships you share, grow, and benefit together from the partnership. There is no need for score keeping. As gestalt psychologist Kurt Koffka famously said, “The whole is other than the sum of the parts.” It’s a magical recipe that can be applied here: when we give unconditionally, out of love and the sheer joy of giving, the entire relationship grows and becomes bigger and better than we could be on our own. Enjoy the gestalt of love—no scorecard required.