How to Get Back on Track to Your Goal of True Love
In the 1997 movie Picture Perfect, Kevin Bacon plays the role of the quintessential career dater. He never “finds the one” and instead moves from one conquest or short term relationship to another. In fact, he is only interested in unavailable women. Though you may have met people like that, his character is not one most of us can relate to. Though some people honestly do not want, or more likely fear, to find love and settle down, if you are reading this blog, you are probably not a member of that minority. But if you feel that you have been dating forever and it just isn’t going anywhere, you may be in danger of becoming a professional dater, taking the journey but never getting to your destination.
You probably have a perfectly serviceable career that meets your professional needs and pays the bills. Dating, however, is not a career. It is a means to an end: getting the relationship you desire and the love you so richly deserve. It can be challenging, frustrating, and tedious, but remember it can also be a fun, interesting, and engaging process to be enjoyed. And most importantly: there is a goal. Keep it in your sights!
If you feel as if you’ve been on a million dates with every type of person from the nerd to the narcissist and still haven’t found Mr. or Ms. Right, don’t despair. There are over 100 million single people in the US. Yes: ONE HUNDRED MILLION amazing, interesting people with love to give, just like you, on the quest to find the one.
The danger to you, if you have been on this journey for a long time and are getting discouraged, is that your “story” – your beliefs about why you don’t have the relationship you want – can become a self-fulfilling prophecy. In other words, if you start to believe you are unlovable, or that there are no good men or women out there, or that the world is populated with commitment phobic serial daters, you will act according to that belief. So, when feelings of discouragement set in, put on a new pair of glasses through which to view yourself and the world…and start anew.
If you’ve been dating for awhile, you probably know what you want and need in a relationship. If you have not thought about that, you should do so before moving forward. Once you are clear on your wants and needs, dating can be broken down into 3 steps. No, you cannot skip one. To get that happy ending, find your ideal match and co-create a relationship that lasts, you must engage in the whole process.
- Step 1. Meeting people. Meeting new people is more easily said than done in our fast paced, work-driven, media-overloaded world. Plus, it can be awkward and, depending on your personality, it can be downright scary. There is simply no other way to find your ideal match. Your paths must cross for the magic to happen.
There are basically two ways to meet new people – online and offline. When looking for compatible people who share your values, passions and interests, go to places that attract you. If you are drawn to them, so will like-minded others. For instance, online this could include dating sites based on religious affiliation or other interests. It could include chat rooms and other sites specific to animal lovers, music lovers, outdoorsmen, wine connoisseurs etc. Offline, you might attend political gatherings, town meetings, book clubs, card clubs, the local nature conservancy. Or you could take a yoga class, a cooking class, or an auto-repair class.
In general, your best bet for a long term committed relationship is with someone who shares similar core values, life goals, and interests. You will never run out of things to talk about or activities you enjoy doing together.
- Step 2. Getting acquainted. Sounds self-evident, but there are pitfalls here. If you’ve been on the dating scene for awhile, you may find you are more guarded with new people. You’ve been hurt, or felt rejected, and your confidence is crumbling a bit. We’ve all been there: either not letting people in at all, or trying to portray a version of ourselves we think a potential partner wants us to be. Holding back means no one will have the chance to know the real you. And when you hide your authentic self behind a façade, you live in fear of being “found out.” This doesn’t mean you have to tell your life story on a first date (in fact doing so is inadvisable!), but it does mean that you behave in a genuine manner. Being yourself will attract the best partner for you.
This second stage is important in terms of experiencing someone in a multitude of life situations. Not only do you share insights, perspectives, experiences, and personal history, but you can observe one another. How does your date…treat the staff at the restaurant? Interact with family and friends? Spend free time? Handle money? Perceive the world? You can figure out if someone is a glass half empty or full type, generous, frugal or a skin flint, energetic and warm or sluggish and aloof, domineering or egalitarian… and much more.
Get to know each other. Even if you decide this person is not your ideal match, realize you have met someone new, and it could lead to a good friendship or learning experience. Use your exit strategy if and when you realize this is not the right person for you.
- Step 3. Finding your ideal match. Glory days! So when you have reached the place where you’ve been dating for a while, you may well be feeling: this is the one! You know because you share values and life goals, your needs are being met, lines of communication are open, both physical and emotional chemistry is good, you feel seen and heard, and you can envision a future together. If this is all true, you are bound to be feeling really good at this point
Congratulations! There is nothing more beautiful than love. It is worth the time and care you give it so it will flourish and sustain you throughout your life.
As you can see, dating is a journey, and a worthy one. If you feel like a professional dater, take a look at which aspect of dating is getting you stuck, and at what step you tend to falter. Once you have done that, you might consider contacting a dating coach to help you work through the obstacles that are getting in your way. Because for you, like most people, dating is not meant to be a life-long journey. It is a journey with a destination: the relationship you desire and the love you richly deserve. Here’s to arriving at your destination in the near future!
There are a number of ways I can support you to Find Your Ideal Match and Build a Relationship that Lasts including private coaching, monthly trainings and DIY programs. I will vigorously support you. So be ready for BIG change and get the results you want. Change is going to happen.
- Uncover you biggest challenges and get solutions
- Clarify your Vision of your best relationship yet
- Create action steps to move forward and date successfully
Contact me today and we can talk about your needs and how I can support you.