Dating is a process of discovery. You’re trying to discover the ultimate prize—the person who is right for you. You’ll likely date a number of women who are not your ideal match before you find the prize you’ve worked so hard to find.
Unfortunately, part of the process of finding the person right for you is having to breakup with people along the way. And as we have all heard, breaking up is hard to do! This blog focuses on dating tips for guys, specifically in terms of knowing when to end things with someone you are dating and how to go about doing it without hurting anyone’s feelings.
The social experience of dating someone is meant to be pleasant, but it’s also a stepping-stone, either to a more significant relationship with that person or a decision to find someone better suited to you. Meeting for coffee, having dinner, or going to a movie or other social outing are all opportunities to see if you become more or less interested in one another. If you find your interest in her is declining then it’s time to stop dating her.
It is important to realize that when you meet someone and it doesn’t go anywhere, there is nothing wrong with you. The overwhelming majority of people you date will not be your ideal match. It’s chemistry, a feeling, a connection; and when it is not there it does not reflect poorly on either of you. It just is what it is. If you can truly accept that, it will save a lot of wear and tear on your emotions!
The process of dating can be broken down into the following stages:
- You meet a variety of women
- You decide to spend time with some of them
- Each time you go out with a woman, you determine whether there are enough things you like about her to pursue getting to know her better.
- You decide she is not a match and end contact
- You decide to continue spending time with her, pushing you closer to being in a relationship.
When you become aware that you are no longer interested in spending time with a woman, please just be direct and tell her so. I realize that the term “breakup” evokes many emotions and perhaps painful memories. However, anything but honesty is unkind. It may seem easier to ignore someone until she gets the message to go away, but silence is confusing and mean-spirited, even if it is sometimes effective. If you don’t want to see her again, give her the courtesy of closure.
You don’t want her to feel rejected. You don’t want to be the one to hurt her. However, deciding to end contact is not rejection—it is simply part of dating!
That being said, it is possible that she may perceive what you say to her as hurtful. Facing that possibility is difficult. You are not alone if you are struggling with this decision. (It’s still not as hurtful as going silent!) Also realize that if you feel that she is not an ideal match, there is a good possibility that she feels it too and is unsure how to end things just as you are.
If you are struggling to find the right words to stop dating someone, here are some dating tips for guys on what to say:
“I have enjoyed the opportunity to spend time with you and get to know you. I am dating to find my ideal partner and while I like you, in some ways we are not an ideal match.”
If she says, “I am relieved to hear you say that,” then you are on the same page and can move on. If she says: “But I think we are,” your response needs to be clear, firm and kind: “It is difficult to put into words. Being a match is more a feeling of being a match. I know this is hard to hear and I’m having a terrible time saying this to you. I value being honest even when it is uncomfortable and I feel awkward and clumsy.”
I am confident that you will find words to convey your feelings with kindness and respect. This is one of the hardest places for men and one of the most important. In the moment, it is tough. You can do it.
Remember you are dating to find your ideal match. When you first meet someone, you feel hopeful and excited. Maybe she is the one? Recognizing that a woman you are dating is not a match for you is as much the point of the process as finding your ideal match. You can’t find her if you don’t let go of the ones who come before. Keeping up on dating tips for guys, and reading my blog is a key step in helping you find your prize.
It takes courage and wisdom to know when to stop dating so you can go back out into the world and find the woman who is right for you. Here is some advice on how to get things going again after a breakup.
As always I’m available to help you find your true love and build a relationship that lasts. Here is my personal online scheduler to get your 30 minute Free “Getting It Right” strategy session. Let’s get started today!